love me if you dare

by Mileva Anastasiadou

Gina looks me in the eye, touches my hand, but I pull away, what on earth are you doing, I ask, and she looks disappointed, lies back on the sofa, love me if you dare, she says, like we play the dare game, and I won’t dare but she comes closer, I almost feel her breath on my face like a warm summer breeze, so I move closer too, she whispers, are you sure, and I nod, seems like I can’t think straight because she’s all I want and I want her now, and we undress, kiss, make love in a hurry, and we both sigh at the end, like it wasn’t only pleasure, lust, love, but also the joy of recklessly diving into danger, then we dress up, turn on the TV, pretend this never happened, our bodies still, although we sing inside, but guilt overwhelms me, how could we, I say, and she shrugs like it doesn’t matter because we didn’t get caught, and I get mad because she acts so immature, but Gina ignores me, she says, we should go on a drive, I shake my head, not without permission, I say, but she grabs the keys as if she didn’t hear me, she rolls her eyes, she says, grown-ups used to do it all the time, go out, have sex, do stuff without permission, and I know what it was like because I read it in books, to be safe and then not be safe because you’ve grown up and nobody looks after you anymore, because we know now how much we need a caring parent for our whole life, but she shrugs and heads to the car, she says she read things, about how we’re being infantilized, and I don’t even know the word, but she insists, she says, they made us think we can’t think, which is way too confusing, and I wonder where she read all this shit and how deep in trouble she is, but I follow, don’t want her to be alone when they catch us, because I’ve heard cops are nasty to outlaws like us, to outlaws who aren’t still at school or college, who are old enough to have jobs, and when the wind hits my face through the open window, I feel invincible, and I feel ashamed and scared and ungrateful when I hear the siren, but also somehow relieved and, I can’t remember the forbidden term, the short word I read in that book in the attic, my mind is stuck when the cops say we’re grounded, but Gina looks my way and laughs, the word is ‘free’, she says, as if she read my mind, then she shouts, say it if you dare, but I don’t, I don’t dare, I only close my eyes and my ears and my heart as they shoot.

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