seven uses for parker lamb’s giant head
by Anna K. Young
1. Storing all the knowledge he got from skipping a grade, and more importantly, all the ways he can bring
it up in casual conversation.
a. That occupies most of the space, you’re pretty sure.
b. Next time he brags about it in the Gifted & Talented classroom, you’re going to put his head
through the window that looks out over the cow field. It smells like shit out there. But Parker is so
full of shit, it wafts off of him, so he probably wouldn’t even notice.
2. Blocking Ms. Stanton’s view of aforementioned G&T class.
a. You’re in luck, because you sit behind Parker (and his giant head) with Jade and Dakota. His big
ol’ noggin casts a shadow over your activities like the moon eclipses the sun. You can secretly
send notes back and forth about how your parents found out about your high school boyfriend, or
how Jack’s butt looks really good in slacks, or how many cuts are hiding under your “I ♥ Boobies!”
bracelets, or how many calories is too much.
b. Just remember—Ms. Stanton can still hear you. If she asks what you three are talking about, don’t
mention the thirty pages about Jeffrey Dahmer and his lonely, sad life you printed off Wikipedia.
c. That’s not how we use the school’s limited funding.
3. Scaring away birds.
a. He’s already got a major stick up his ass, so you just need to plant it in the cow field.
b. His eyes have the dull sheen of calico buttons whenever he accidentally makes eye contact.
Unflattering freckles dot his pale skin—they’re so washed-out, they look like liver spots. The kid
radiates nerd like Chernobyl radiates gamma rays.
c. This is the one downside of sitting behind him—you have to look at him. If he grew his hair any longer
than a buzz cut, it would flop down his neck like wet corn silk.
d. But at least he draws attention away from you and your friends—whether Ms. Stanton asked
anything or not, he feels it’s his God-given duty to shout out answers.
4. Practicing hand-eye coordination.
a. When Ms. Stanton hands out logic puzzles (and you give up after four minutes and twenty-eight
seconds), you have a few options. You can either fold it along the border between the if-then
statements and make a lopsided paper airplane, or, if you’re not feeling too great (“if:it’s just
hormones, then:I should eventually grow out of it”) you can just crumple it up—it’ll fly about the same
either way.
b. Blame Jade if you actually have the balls to throw it. Your festering apathy makes for an unbeatable
poker face.
5. Putting a dent in the wall between Mr. Kelly’s social studies classroom and Mr. D’s English room.
a. With Parker’s head being the approximate size and density of a wrecking ball, it’s a miracle the whole
school doesn’t cave in. You’re in English, so you miss the main event, but you hear the THUMP and see
the aftermath by peeking around the doorway: Parker, sprawled under a poster of the Constitution,
the desk-table combo knocked sideways on the top of him. Then Mr. D shouts at you to get back to
your seat and runs out.
b. Dakota tells you later that Parker said something stupid to this kid Brandy, who threw him (and his
desk!) into the wall. You have to laugh, because everyone else does, and someone might accuse you
of sympathizing if you don’t.
c. And anyway, who’s dumb enough to fuck with Brandy? He’s practically in the yearbook under Most
Likely to Join a Small-Town Gang.
d. “For a kid who skipped a grade,” Jade says, “Parker’s not that bright.”
6. Anchoring papers to his desk.
a. Admittedly, this one isn’t very useful to you—ruins target practice.
b. You also lose the barrier between you and Ms. Stanton, but at least Parker shuts up for most of the
class.
c. Sometimes you wonder if he’s just tired, or if he’s thinking about what you wrote on the whiteboard
before class. You tried to hide the evidence before he saw it, but the erasers here are crappy. The pale
outline of “Rekrap” still haunts the board with the ghost of your jagged handwriting.
d. If he’s upset about that nickname, it’s his own fault, because it’s not even that funny and it will only
stick for a week.
e. But, right as you think that, he puts his head down on the table, and the carton of milk you had at lunch
churns in your stomach.
f. You hate to think you have anything in common, but you see him eye the standard-issue, black-
framed clock hanging over the doorway. Maybe he counts out four minutes and twenty-eight seconds.
7. Providing a distraction from everything else.
a. The scars under your bracelets aren’t healing, and you’re getting tired of laughing at things that
really aren’t funny.
b. Just last week you forgot to grab your coat before recess, and when you went back to get it, one of the
eighth-grade teachers caught you and threatened to give you detention if you didn’t get your ass
outside.
c. So you stood in the January chill (20 degrees or so) and pretended you weren’t cold so your friends
wouldn’t make fun of you for being a pussy.
d. The free Toms your school gets every year soaked through with slush immediately, so you spent the
rest of the day kicking them off under your desk, afraid of getting trench foot like those World War I
guys.
e. Then yesterday before P.E., Jade made fun of your flat chest in front of everyone in the locker room,
and later you got hit in the face with a dodgeball so hard it broke your glasses.
f. When you got home, you tried to starve yourself, but you didn’t last two hours before the urge to eat
three bowls of dry Cocoa Puffs kicked in.
g. So if making fun of Parker’s giant head is the only thing you have to look forward to in a day, well…
h. Better him than you.
Photo of Anna K Young
BIO: Anna K Young is an emerging writer and adjunct English instructor at Montana State University. She specializes in speculative fiction and conversational, humorous flash. Alongside a novella published through Running Wild Press, her fiction has been featured in, among others: Cutleaf Literary Journal; Unfortunately, Literary Magazine; Hellbender Magazine (formerly Cheat River Review); and Crack the Spine. You can check out her website at akyauthor.wordpress.com.