stop.

by Brittany Miles

Today my body said, stop.

Vomiting all day.

Fever.

Hurts to pee.

Kidney infection or appendicitis. Infection is the better of the two.

What a choice in variables.

Stop.

*****

They asked if I ever had a CT scan.

I shook my head no.

The male nurse told me to relax.

I’d feel a rush of warm heat.

A hot flash, I guessed.

I’d feel like I was going to pee.

But wasn’t.

I lay on the table.

It wasn’t Grey’s; it was real-life me.

Fighting for her life.

Ignoring pain and burning and chills.

What had I done?

Cared for Layla.

Seven years of ignoring every sign. In me.

To only see the signs of madness. In her.

Her madness outweighed me.

But today, my body said, stop.

*****

Layla watching me from the visitor's chair.

What a change in view.

I was under observation, under care.

She tended to me.

Frightened, scared.

Mama had been sick for days.

The internet said it could be sepsis.

That would separate us.

The hospital would tell us the truth.

Today, my body said, stop.

*****

Contrast (not contradictions).

Told the secrets of my body.

Blood tests all ABNORMAL.

It was an infection.

Fixable with antibiotics.

And rest.

What was rest?

Years, I pushed past pain. Sacrificing all my needs for hers.

Only to end up with a lesion (small). On my kidney.

Could be something. Or nothing at all.

But today my body said, stop.

*****

Slow drip of the IV.

Saline for fluids.

Toradol for pain.

Antibiotics to heal.

Relaxed.

Months of crisis. Layla wasn’t stable.

Now neither was I.

Drip.

Clear liquid sealed my future.

Drip.

My body was telling me to stop.

To focus.

On me.

What I wanted.

What I needed.

I couldn’t press on. Press through.

I had to stop.

A change in life.

A change in nature.

The roles were starting to reverse.

Layla was getting older.

So was I.

If I wanted to live.

I had to stop.

Today, my body said, stop.

I listened.

But have I learned?

How?

To.

Stop.

Photo of Brittany Miles

BIO: Brittany Miles’ work has appeared in Newsweek, Business Insider, The Seattle Times and is forthcoming in MUTHA Magazine, Open Secrets Magazine, and Tir Literary Magazine.