the job interview

by Ben Arzate

The job interviewee arrives for the interview twenty minutes early. The secretary, a gorilla in a dress, has him sit in the waiting room for four hours. The job interviewer calls him back to the office. The interviewee goes back. He sits the opposite of the interviewer at a massive oak desk with nothing on it. The interviewer clears his throat.

“Would you lie for the company?” the interviewer says.

“Indeed, I would. The market for lies is booming,” the interviewee says.

“What would you bring to the company?”

“A bushel of severed giraffe necks, a satin cloth, and enough prickly pears to feed a platoon.”

The interviewer nods and writes on a paper that isn’t there with a pen he doesn’t have.

“Did you destroy your mother’s cunt when you came out with that bulbous dome?”

“I was delivered via c-section.”

“The company shaman foretold that a cesarean would become Caesar of the company. What made you attracted to this position?”

“A deep, abiding sense of self-loathing.”

“An admirable trait in our employees. Do you have experience in this field?”

“I have disemboweled myself in your field like Judas many, many times.”

“What are your salary expectations?”

“Rock bottom with room to sink.”

The interviewer sits in silence, writing on his non-existent paper.

“Thank you for coming. We’ll call you soon.”

“Thank you for having me.”

The interviewee goes to the nearby window. He jumps out. He falls twenty floors and dies on impact with the sidewalk.

The company accepts him for the position two days later. They scrape his mangled body off the sidewalk and prop him up at an open desk.

Photo of Ben Arzate

BIO: Ben Arzate is a writer from Des Moines, Iowa. His poetry, prose, and criticism has appeared in several places online and in print. He is the author of several books, including the Wonderland Award nominated collection PLAYS/hauntologies and his latest novel If today the sun should set on all my hopes and cares...