the effects of journaling
by Jack Uppling
I’ve started writing down my dreams. People always say to do it, they say it’s good for your brain. My brain has been failing me lately and it’s frightening, so I decided to listen to them. At first, I was lazy, and said I’d do it later in the day, but I always forgot what I’d dreamt about. So, I decided that I had to really listen to what they were saying and write it down as soon as I woke up. It’s difficult, and I’m grumpy in the morning, but I do it. At least I believe I do, I have no memory of ever writing anything, but found what looked like my handwriting one afternoon, and have found a new entry every day ever since. When I first looked back at what I’d written it was shocking. It felt as if I was reading a fictional story or someone else’s dream. This interested me and I started to look forward to reading the entries. It can be fun to read about yourself. It was like finding a diary from decades ago or childhood, surely not from that very morning.
For weeks, I was impressed with myself—an insight and intellect were apparent from the writing that I didn’t know I possessed. Before long the entries became angry and disjointed. I could feel the frustration and felt bad for myself. Finally, they became violent. Sometimes we can write horrible things down to let go of aggression or a grudge, but these entries didn’t seem to be that at all. They were concerning. They also didn’t seem to be about dreams anymore but about my actual life, referencing people and recent events that I knew well. They spoke of abuse and horrible things that I didn’t think I was capable of acting on, let alone thinking about. There was a neighbor of mine - a quiet older gentleman across the hall from me - That had always bothered me and made me feel uneasy. That being said, we never had any interaction rather than eye contact and brief nods in the hallway, and he certainly never did anything to me. My entries spoke of punishing him and doing much more if necessary. I could feel my pain from the page and wished I could do something to stop it. I realized that maybe I could. Perhaps I could make an entry at night for me to read in the morning.
Just as I was about to begin writing, I started to think about my neighbor. He had an overall stupid face. I pictured it and felt pain in my stomach. I suddenly no longer worried about him and wasn’t concerned with his death. Was this an influence from reading my in-depth reasoning, or were my previous feelings and incidents catching up with me on a subconscious level? I knew that my anger was justified, but I didn’t know why. It’s a maddening sensation. I thought about confronting my neighbor but realized there was no way to go about it. I decided to trust my former self and began to stay out of his way. But murder? Would I be willing to do jail time or go through physical pain and death based on judgement? Yes, the feelings were genuine and pure at heart even if they were sometimes horrific. The person that wrote these entries was too intelligent and sincere for it to be otherwise.
I awaited entries with apprehension and found myself much more engaged than I had been with anything that had been written up to this point. It seemed that something had happened, but I had been too careful in my notes to state exactly what it was. There was no evidence of any incident on or around me. I hadn’t seen my neighbor for weeks and was unable to ask anyone about him for fear of being scrutinized. Sometimes I was sure I could hear noises coming from his apartment. Eventually people came to get his things. No one confronted me. I received no letters or phone calls. As time went on, the writing I found gradually became more stable and commonplace, basic normal journaling that eventually became dream journal entries once again.
Photo of Jack Uppling
BIO: Jack Uppling is a music teacher currently living in Phoenix, AZ. He graduated from The Motion Picture Institute of Michigan, and shortly after started an Indie Psych Rock band that toured the east coast before moving to Seattle, WA. Recently Jack decided to dedicate his time to writing and teaching.