lord miserable
by Sean Ennis
If Eliot the Satanist finds any opportunity, any loophole, any lull, he’ll turn the conversation towards the topic of snakes. There seems to always be an appropriate snake anecdote, in his, I suppose, diabolical mind. The sidewinder has been clocked at twenty miles per hour, and a death adder can strike in 1/10th of a second, which is the shortest amount of time a person can consciously perceive. Also, snakes were specifically forbidden as pets on our apartment building’s lease, did I know that?
Otherwise, he was a fine neighbor–we all have our idiosyncrasies and belief systems. There’s a lot of tolerance in Bramble, friendly apathy. Sometimes malicious apathy. Despite his allegiance to a dark lord, Eliot the Satanist possessed the great virtue of not really bothering anybody. But if you’re sitting next to him on the bus, or waiting for your clothes to dry in the apartment building’s laundry room, Eliot the Satanist will eventually claim that snakes not only influenced our biological evolution, but our sense of morality as well. It was like, enough with the snakes.
Actually, I asked him about a line in the Gospel where believers are given the authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy. “Yeah, yeah,” Eliot said. Out of everyone in the apartment building, Eliot the Satanist and I know the Bible the best. We are not believers exactly, but we enjoy debating scripture like this.
He once told me when he is in his church, the congregation refers to him as Lord Miserable. I didn’t chuckle. We were friends. You think it would be easy to feel superior to a Satanist, but you would be wrong. I regularly sell my soul for discount codes, free shipping, and no-obligation, one-month trials. I once submitted proof that my blood sample had been sent to this lab in exchange for a bonus gift worth forty-five dollars.
Surely, Eliot the Satanist’s apartment was filled with snakes. There was this affection in his voice when he spoke of these creatures that suggested a deep familiarity and kinship. I’m only guessing; I have never been invited in, of course.
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BIO: Sean Ennis is the author of HOPE AND WILD PANIC (Malarkey Books) and CUNNING, BAFFLING, POWERFUL (Thirty West). He lives in Mississippi.