i met god in a bookstore

by Tracie Adams

When I spotted the paper dolls among a display of children’s picture books, I felt my body shrink into itself. Suddenly, I was eight again, pulled to the carpeted floor in a crossed-leg position by images of girls in white underwear. I decided to run my finger along the perforated edges, punching out one, two, three cardstock girls—two with blonde curls, one with a dark bob like mine. They looked vulnerable with their nippled one-dimensional chests exposed to roaming eyes.

God watched me dress them, folding the tabs of pink dresses over their thin shoulders and stiff arms. I fitted their tiny feet with shiny patent leather Mary Janes like the ones I wore to my father’s house on weekend visits.

“Let me,” God said, gently removing the dolls from my sweaty grip.

My mother’s voice haunted me, hissing Cover yourself, and the burn of my father’s gaze, shame prickling my papery skin. Jagged cardstock conjured memories of zippers in the dark, empty faces in the morning, that hollow feeling of being dressed and undressed against my will, being bent and folded and posed along the unseen dotted lines of someone else’s paper dreams.  

And I felt God’s warm breath on my neck, the low rumble of his words like thunder. I wasn’t sure that I could trust him, but I trusted myself less. Was a Heavenly Father better than an earthly one?

God showed me how to erase the girls’ shame. He guided my hands to remove the pink dresses, blue jumpers, shiny black shoes.

“Love her the way I love her,” he boomed. And I saw the way he cradled the girls in his hands, the words of his mouth covered them in mercy. And because his way was better, I left them there on the carpet—upright in their cardboard stands.

Naked and unashamed.

Photo of Tracie Adams

BIO: Tracie Adams, a retired educator and playwright, writes flash fiction and memoir from her farm in rural Virginia. She is the author of two essay collections, Our Lives in Pieces and Not Finished Yet. Her work has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize, Best Microfiction, Best of the Net, longlisted at Wigleaf Top 50, and published widely in literary magazines including Cleaver, Dishsoap Quarterly, SoFloPoJo, Fictive Dream, and more. Visit tracieadamswrites.com and follow her on X @1funnyfarmAdams.